Mary K O'Melveny
The Fifth Dimension
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.
-Leonard Cohen
As I was talking to my friend, he broke
down in tears, recalling anew, that his
wife had recently died. Is gone. Today,
some telemarketer asked to speak to
my long dead mother. For one tiny tick
of a clock, I almost handed her the phone.
How do we navigate shape-shifting grief
and still make coffee in the morning,
exchange words with neighbors about the
sorry state of our televised world or look out
our windows to gauge if promised rain
might fade to something akin to mist?
Surely, it is in those split seconds when
memory’s failure blots out bereavement,
when we step forward into some state of
transcendental mercy when yesterday
is restored. A slant of sunlight on snow.
Before the unthinkable had time
to be thought. Before we had to
don mourning garments or speak in past
tenses. Our ground solidifies.
A conversation continues. A smile
returns. We want to stay there,
liberated from known dimensions.
In the End, What Do We Want to Know?
My mother never forgot our names.
What she often forgot was that we
were once loveable. That we loved her.
As memory melts away, I have marveled at
what elects to bubble up against odds
of wish or will, lacking prediction or point
of view. Each day, we never knew which
grains would cling to her cerebral
colander or wash away, perhaps
forever, perhaps until tomorrow’s
new light slanted toward them once more,
as her thoughts rose like newly kneaded dough.
As we searched for order or, failing that,
predictability of loss, it was often her anger
that remained constant. Sometimes her fury
at time’s passage was so pure it resembled
monastic prayer. How did this happen?
Why is it over before I could make sense
of anything? And then, just as suddenly,
she would smile, metallic taste of outrage
replaced by something new, nearly sweet.